The Better Part Of Valor
by anotherweasley
Summary: John's thoughts at the end of "Audrey Pauley" as he watches Monica go into her apartment.


The Better Part of Valor 

By:  Olivia

Our doubts, our fears, make cowards of us all.

As I watch Monica walk to her apartment door, she turns to give me one more glance, one more chance to say the words that are in both our hearts.  But I can't.  I can't get the words out.  And so she turns back and walks into her apartment building alone.

I'm such a coward.  Monica practically poured her heart out to me a week ago.  Then when she was lying there, brain dead as far as anyone knew, I wished with every beat of my heart for one more chance to say the words that I had left unsaid between us.  

I wanted, I needed to tell her that I love her, that she is the most important person in my life.  I needed to tell her how her smile, the way it lights up her eyes, is what I look forward to every morning that I walk into that basement office.  I needed to tell her how much it means to me that she moved all the way from New Orleans to be with me here, to help me on The X-Files.

The fact that she's my friend, that she would do anything for me, that she is always there for me, leaves me speechless.  She spoke to me of loyalty, honesty, and dependability.  She's the one with all those qualities.  She's the only one I feel completely comfortable to be around because she knows everything there is to know about me, everything important any way, and she still loves me without question.  How can I be so lucky to have this woman in my life?  She stands by me at my best and at my worst.  There's nobody I trust more.  There's nobody I love more.  And she loves me.

I wish I could walk up these stairs to her and tell her how I feel.  By not speaking the words she has been hoping to hear from me, I've hurt her, and that cuts me deep than any knife could ever do.

Every reason is for it, yet all my doubts, my fears, prevent it.  I'm scared.  What if I had kissed her that night as I had wanted to when she dropped me off?  What then?  Every person I've loved some how gets hurt eventually.  Just look at my ex-wife and my son.  I'm scared to let her in.  I'm scared to allow her to love me or for me to love her.

I think with my head and Monica thinks with her heart.  She rushes in while I sit and wait.  She wants us to be "together" and I hesitate.  I could use the old excuse that it would affect our working together and could ruin our friendship.  But that's all it is, an excuse.

I look at Mulder and Scully and I think how their deep friendship and love make them stronger and yet are they happier now?  The forces they face keep them cruelly separated.  What forces do Monica and I face?  Over these past few months of being partnered with her, I can't even entertain the thought of not being with her.  We were separated after Luke was found was dead and I have found that I can't do it again.

And the strangest thing, besides the fact that she loves me, is that I never fully realized how much I love her until I got the call that she was in the hospital.  Oh, I had started to realize it after I awoke from that coma a few weeks back.  I know Monica had been praying for me.  I know it was her voice that was prompting me to get up and to warn Scully.  I know she was doing everything in her power to save me.  Just knowing that I wasn't alone, that Monica was there with me, gave me the strength to return.  

They say you never know what you have until it's gone.  When I thought Monica was gone, my own life fell apart.  I felt how utterly alone I was, how my life was empty without her.  And that terrified me.  That and the fact that I never once let her know how much she means to me.

I broke my promise with God tonight.  I told Him that if He would only bring her back to me I would say all the things I should have said to her.  I would tell her I love her.  But I broke my promise.

Monica is a steady, loyal friend, but I fear that she might not wait for me to work things out, to get the courage to tell her I love her.

So I get back in my car and start driving home.

Our doubts, our fears, make cowards of us all.  Someday I'll stop being afraid and I'll say the words that will bind us more closely than we are now.  The words that will make "partner" mean more than "colleague." 

Monica told me she could never see me disappointing anyone.  Well I've disappointed myself tonight, but what's worse is I've disappointed my best friend-the woman I love.

The End

"The better part of valor is discretion,"-Shakespeare-"Henry IV Part I"

"My love's more ponderous than my tongue."-Shakespeare-"King Lear"

"Such as I am all true lovers are, unstaid and skittish in all motions else save in the constant image of the creature that is beloved."-Shakespeare-"Twelfth Night"


End file.
